does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I sprained my soul last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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