sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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