your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
