just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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