our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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