Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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