man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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