the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
