girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
