One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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