if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
