When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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