john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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