38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
