I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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