I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
