I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
