...so i touched it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
