birth control should be required to get into college
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
