Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
