If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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