and you said cock pushups were impossible
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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