At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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