he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
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