I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
