walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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