There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im holly from the hills drunk
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
