I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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