I think I won the penis lottery.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
