based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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