I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
