She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
