this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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