god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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