I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
