Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
