Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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