I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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