How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
