Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
