one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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