My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
