Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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