Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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