Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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