Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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