You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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