Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
