Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
