Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
