my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
