I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
