New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
