Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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