Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
