I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
