please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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